wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
