We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
