thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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