At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
