Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
