I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
