theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
