that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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