Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
