The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Floor bacon is actually really good
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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