Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
