I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When are your genitals available?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
