Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
