Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
