I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
