That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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