don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
