also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize