I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
