Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
