Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
