It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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