fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
