Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
