2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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