Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
What did we do last night that was yellow?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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