My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
