I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
