Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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