We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
