the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
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He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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