you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
