I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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