Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
