Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
