my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
