i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
