1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i drank out of a bidet.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
