i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
