allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure