I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
