A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
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I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach