we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
