i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
