I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
