And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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