I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
