I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
