And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
