Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
