Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
