in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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