im six kinds of drunk right now
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
