Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You are a genius and a whore.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
