i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
No subtext here. People are naked.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
