Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
this is an emotional support booty call
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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